This line gets me: "I started to imagine him imagining me, a once-removed style of sexual fantasy I was very adept at."
This is such an important topic to explore. I know all the ways to be alluring to another, how to pose, how to move, how to appear. And then when it comes to what I desire, it feels like I just want to be the absolute middle of another's turn-on. Like how Esther Perel says: women's eroticism is inherently narcissistic. Thank you for this opportunity to explore this with you here!
Funnily enough, I just bought a book called Come Together, although this one is by Emily Nagoski! I'm going to look up the other one you recommended.
Right there with you about UNTRUE; it is one of my favorite books of all time.
"I looove hearing about a partner’s sexual experiences that have nothing to do with me (so much that I’ve annoyed people, “I’m running out of stories Tolly!”). Their history means they’re different from me, and that distinction is super important – sexy because it defamiliarizes them."
I've never heard anyone else say this! Me too. I've also annoyed people with it, lol.
Yes, same! I honestly appreciate it because of that whole "opposite of retroactive jealousy" thing. It's nice to have an ingrained jealousy hack that's also hot 😄
“This is why I feel like sex stuff is a path to self-awareness. Because hetero women are trained to mediate sexuality through a partner, I feel like one step to ownership could look like reframing the desire question altogether. Instead of asking “why is my desire low,” the new question could be, “where is my desire hiding?”
I love the reframe on desire- the more women I speak to about the midlife decision to change their relationships starts with ‘I didn’t have any desire for and didn’t feel desired.’ Almost like it’s associated to peri/menopause (to some degree, yes) but those same women later connected with something or one and felt it- and alive as if for the first time.
I also stand behind the axiom of self awareness through sex and masturbation.
Learning my body this way has brought me closer to Self— home.
I sometimes say as a joke but it’s 100% true, I’m the best I’ve ever had. I know myself so intimately better than anyone.
Love this entire piece, Tolly!! Adding your book references to the list!!
I'm SO sorry that was your experience, Christina...that is legitimately horrible. Thank you for that vulnerable share.🫶 (And welcome to this community!! Glad to have you.)
This was beautiful. I resonate so much with this.
Thank you Jenna for being here! (And for saying that!)
loved this SO much
You know that means the world to me coming from you! 🖤 And once you’re back in ATX, let’s haaaang
It was nice to read your personal share! Thanks Tolly! 💕
Aww HI Yamuna!!!! 💖💖💖💖
This line gets me: "I started to imagine him imagining me, a once-removed style of sexual fantasy I was very adept at."
This is such an important topic to explore. I know all the ways to be alluring to another, how to pose, how to move, how to appear. And then when it comes to what I desire, it feels like I just want to be the absolute middle of another's turn-on. Like how Esther Perel says: women's eroticism is inherently narcissistic. Thank you for this opportunity to explore this with you here!
Funnily enough, I just bought a book called Come Together, although this one is by Emily Nagoski! I'm going to look up the other one you recommended.
Right there with you about UNTRUE; it is one of my favorite books of all time.
I can’t wait to hear what you think of Come Together, Sarah. (And yes ComING Together is also great - we sex writers can’t resist a good pun.;)
I feel like a lot of women share this mode of fantasy, and it IS interesting so many of us do it, no?
"I looove hearing about a partner’s sexual experiences that have nothing to do with me (so much that I’ve annoyed people, “I’m running out of stories Tolly!”). Their history means they’re different from me, and that distinction is super important – sexy because it defamiliarizes them."
I've never heard anyone else say this! Me too. I've also annoyed people with it, lol.
It is a top 3 turn-on for me 😬 I have one other friend who’s also into it — we’re a little club lol. It’s like the opposite of retroactive jealousy!
Yes, same! I honestly appreciate it because of that whole "opposite of retroactive jealousy" thing. It's nice to have an ingrained jealousy hack that's also hot 😄
Yessss I’m like - y’all don’t know what you’re missing 😈 Latent voyeur energy
Whenever I've mentioned it to literally anyone else, though, they are bewildered and cannot relate. Very interesting!
“This is why I feel like sex stuff is a path to self-awareness. Because hetero women are trained to mediate sexuality through a partner, I feel like one step to ownership could look like reframing the desire question altogether. Instead of asking “why is my desire low,” the new question could be, “where is my desire hiding?”
I love the reframe on desire- the more women I speak to about the midlife decision to change their relationships starts with ‘I didn’t have any desire for and didn’t feel desired.’ Almost like it’s associated to peri/menopause (to some degree, yes) but those same women later connected with something or one and felt it- and alive as if for the first time.
I also stand behind the axiom of self awareness through sex and masturbation.
Learning my body this way has brought me closer to Self— home.
I sometimes say as a joke but it’s 100% true, I’m the best I’ve ever had. I know myself so intimately better than anyone.
Love this entire piece, Tolly!! Adding your book references to the list!!
And thank you for including me ❤️🫶❤️🫶
Oooh, I love that reframe: Where is my desire hiding. Thank you for that nugget!
Ash!! Thank YOU for participating so openly and generously!
Anytime!!
I'm SO sorry that was your experience, Christina...that is legitimately horrible. Thank you for that vulnerable share.🫶 (And welcome to this community!! Glad to have you.)