Am I The Only Person Who Feels This Way?

Jen's Story

Art by Luciana Urtiga.

Like so many good relationships these days, mine with Jen Salerno began online.

When I kicked off this non-monogamous moms series last November, it wasn’t long before Jen reached out. She wrote something simple and kind on my Submit Here Instagram, after I interviewed Tanya, my first Q&A.

I was touched.

Eventually, Jen and I became Instagram buds, and talked about her possibly doing a Q&A with me. I’m grateful she did, because her story is so human. And imperfect!

There’s a tendency in ENM circles to do positive PR on the lifestyle. And it makes sense, because it’s so vilified in certain corners of the culture. Here’s a quote from Dr. Eli Scheff, one of the best-known (/only) researchers on polyamory and families. This is from a podcast interview she did last October, and the set-up was a question from the host about STI’s.

“Ironically, sexually transmitted infections are not that big of a deal in polyamory. But the stigma, or the assumption, that if you are polyamorous you are nasty, or polluted, or skeevy, creepy on some level – the stigma can be negative for people.

People have lost custody of their children. They have been fired from jobs. They’ve lost housing. They’ve been ejected from their families of origin. They’ve lost friend groups. There can be this assumption that if somebody is polyamorous that means they’ll fuck anybody, all the time. And so people start guarding, assuming that if you’re polyamorous you must be after my spouse. So I need protection from you, because you’re a threat.”

So, yeah. In the face of that, I get why non-monogamists sometimes smooth over the pain that comes with the territory. That might also be why there’s not a ton of mainstream narratives on the challenge to children specifically.

But that’s exactly why I was attracted to Jen’s story.

Her son has difficult feelings around her and her husband’s non-monogamy, and she was honest in sharing that reality, as you’ll read below. Speaking of children though, Dr. Scheff says something else in the podcast interview that feels relevant here – 

“I challenge anyone out there to identify a disadvantage that is specific to only polyamorous families, that other families do not face. You can’t find one. But they do have one advantage that other families don’t experience and that is: if the adults become attracted to someone else, it doesn’t have to destroy the family.

Within a monogamous family, if one of the existing partners falls in love with someone else, that often means divorce. And so that family breaks up, and the kids are shuttling between two different houses.” 

So it’s interesting, right? The pro-family outcomes that can arise from this structure. That’s not to discount the fact that kids might not love it all the time! But the results of Dr. Scheff’s research show that children of poly/non-monogamous families are not uniquely disadvantaged. And if anyone is concerned about the well-being of children raised by non-monogamous parents or any other type of parents — monogamous, blended, single parent, divorced, etc. — it’s really important to look at the data. (Blanket statement: if anyone is concerned about anything, look at the data.)

You can find Jen on Instagram at @jtsalerno. Here’s our conversation, and as always I’d love to hear what you think! Leave a comment below for Jen and this chat.

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1. Hey Jen! Welcome to Submit Here. You and I have chatted a bit, and I know that you and your husband have been married for 17 years (congratulations!). You opened up your marriage about 5 years ago. Take us to that first conversation together: what did it look like? Who broached the subject first?

First of all, thanks! I attribute our success to our love, communication, and unyielding support for each other's happiness and success, however we define those at the time. 

I am the one who first broached the subject of opening our marriage. 

However, at the time, I didn't actually know what I was trying to ask for. I didn't have the knowledge or vocabulary around the subject of ENM that I do now. All I knew was, I had reached the life milestones that I was "supposed to.” Married with kids, owned a house, wonderful circle of friends, a thriving career…and I still felt like something was missing. 

It was such an uneasy feeling, because I absolutely loved my life and everyone in it — it was never about NOT wanting or being grateful for everything I had. I just knew that I had a lot of years ahead of me, and I felt grief for the aspects of life and parts of me that felt inaccessible. 

The most tangible way I thought of it at the time was the ability to have new sexual experiences, so I clumsily tried to have a conversation about this with my husband. We've always been able to talk, but how do you talk about something like this without making it seem like you are unhappy with your current situation, which wasn't the case? After a few tough conversations, we tabled it, as I really didn't even know how to verbalize exactly what I was feeling or asking for, nor did I want to add unnecessary stress to our marriage. About a year later, he completely surprised me by revisiting the conversation. In that time, he had been doing work and research and came to the conclusion that he didn't want to stifle part of my (and our) life based on a preconceived notion or masculine narrative of ownership within marriage, or what it means to be in love with and committed to somebody. I was floored!

From there, we began the work together.

2. When you opened, did either of you have someone in mind that you wanted to date? Or, was it more like "hey what if we tried this, and see who we meet?" 

Nobody in particular, and we really had no idea how to go about meeting people. We thought about mutual friends, both male and female, that we considered approaching. We did end up engaging however with an acquaintance of mine, who organically became closer to us through shared activities that we all participated in at the time.

3. A lot of couples in open marriages tend to do things together first, like have a threesome, or go to a sex party, or try swinging. So forgive the couple-centric nature of this question, but is that the route you and your husband took? Or did it look more like each of you separately dating other people?

We did begin our journey of openness together, and it eventually morphed into dating separately. It was through the trial and error of exploring different ways to be open that I realized what I was really seeking, which was less about just having new sexual experiences, and more about everything that comes with connecting with other humans in a fully-embodied way. (It’s also worth mentioning that we were just about 40 at the time, and weren't necessarily interested in pursuing swingers clubs, as that style of openness wasn't necessarily what we were seeking.)

I’ve always been able to connect with other people somewhat easily, and being monogamous — sexually yes, but also emotionally — restricts the level of connection you are able to have with somebody else. The prescribed restriction was frustrating to me, which led to even more frustration and shame, because, isn't this how it's supposed to be? Aren't I supposed to be content with this life? Is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad person to desire something more? 

It's been tough to overcome, and I'm still working on it. I understand how and why monogamy can (and does) work — at times, it is a necessity. However, I am so pleased to say that I, and my husband, have both been able to flourish as people AND as a couple, by expanding our views and openly relating with other partners. 

4. Talk to me about the community you live in. Is it one in which you can be open about being open? In one of our conversations, you mentioned that you don't hide it, but you don't advertise it either. Is that choice informed by your locale, and attitudes there around relationships and family? 

We live in an area that is relatively open-minded and quite diverse culturally and religiously, so I feel that there is some built-in level of acceptance that stems from people of various backgrounds living in the same community. However, we have 2 school-aged children and one of our top priorities is trying to ensure their comfort where possible, so this is an area where we tread lightly and carefully, as far as being open and vocal about our lifestyle. 

It's a balancing act, as I don't want to add additional shame to the conversation, and I never want the kids to feel like they need to hide anything. However, we are all still learning how to navigate this dynamic together as a family, and gaining comfort as we go. 

5. You came out to your kids and family last May. Let me start by asking about your family -- how did they react? 

Overall we had positive reactions, along the lines of, "as long as this works for you, we are happy for you!" My mom had a harder time with it, not because she couldn't understand the desire, but I think she questioned why we felt the need to be open about it with others. I do think the challenge to the status quo brought about some discomfort, talking openly about something that seemed private was hard, and she was, understandably, worried about our kids. I have to remind myself that there are generational differences about what is kept private and what is shared, and her point of view regarding our role as women is different as well. 

However, this is precisely why I want to share this part of me openly! Creating awareness and normalizing choices outside of the norm is extremely important to me, because nobody should feel shame for desiring something other than the "traditional" path that society has laid out for us. 

6. Let's talk about your kids. I was so moved when you shared with me on one of our Instagram convos that one of your children was having a hard time accepting you and your husband's non-monogamy. And I think that's really important to be open about, because just like other non-traditional families have to help their kids adjust to change (divorce, meeting a step parent, etc.), this challenge is specific to non-monogamous parents. So, how are things going with your child? 

The last 10 months have been interesting. In addition to learning that non-monogamy is even a thing, my oldest has had to reframe who my husband and I are as people, as well as grieve the loss of "life as he knew it" — all while navigating middle school. I can't say he's on board, and he's still not interested in meeting my or my husband's partners, but he does seem to be moving closer to acceptance. 

My husband and I are committed to answering his questions as they come up, and there have been many. It's hard to explain to somebody who has never been in a romantic relationship the particular nuances surrounding non-monogamy, and we try to answer honestly, yet age-appropriately. We continue to be supportive and encouraging parents, prioritize family time, and hope that time will prove that life hasn't actually changed as much as he feared it might. 

7. Here's something I think about all the time: the degree to which we shelter our kids from discomfort. Children thrive in stable environments, for sure. But I'll never forget this piece I read by Kate Julian in The Atlantic years ago, which looks at reems of research and comes to a startling conclusion: today's children are more anxious because we sanitize challenges out of their lives. The solution to that doesn't need to be non-monogamy, of course, but I'd love to get your take on this one. Do you think it's a net positive that your child is being asked to accept this challenge? Do you ever have doubts? 

Yes and yes! I absolutely have moments of feeling guilty that my husband and I have made a choice that is causing my child stress. It's very tempting to say - forget it! - and go back to the way things were. 

But then I think...what will that solve? Will it take away one stressor from his life? Sure, but there will always be more, and it's unlikely that I'll be able to take those away. Plus, what's stressful to him today will change as he gets older, and what his parents are up to will likely matter less and less. My hope is that someday, he will look back and see that we valued honesty, transparency, and freedom of choice, and never wavered on our love for each other or commitment to our family. In addition, I hope he recognizes that parents and spouses (particularly mothers) are more than just those titles — they are whole people, and he can offer that same gift to himself and his spouse, should he have one. I have faith that in the end, he will find value in this challenge. 

8. Shifting gears, let's talk about community for a bit. Talking with non-monogamous moms, what I've heard consistently is that it's not more partners they want – it's an understanding community who doesn't judge them. Do you have that? (If not welcome to Submit Here!!!)

I have to agree! I am so happy with and grateful for my husband and my partner (and my husband's partner), and so proud of all of us for getting to where we are today. I'm also grateful for those in my life who are aware of my situation, and not only accept it, but acknowledge it as a real part of who I am. They are few and far between. This is why I am extra grateful for the little community of non-monogamous moms that is slowly building around me! I spent far too long wondering, am I the only person who feels this way? Surely, there must be more moms, like me? As it turns out, yes, there are! There's nothing quite like finding "your people." It's giving me strength!

9. Lightening round questions:

-Favorite thing about being non-monogamous?

The expansion. The ability to meet myself again and again by allowing myself to experience all that the universe brings to me, that's meant for me. I don't have to wonder, what if...?  Also, my husband said the most beautiful thing to me about being non-monogamous. He said: "This has given me new ways to show you how much I love you." I agree 100%!

-Favorite thing about being a mom?

Kids are the best teachers, and mirrors. They show you the best, and the worst, of who you are. The lessons are endless, if you're willing to learn! Plus, both of mine are absolutely hilarious in their own ways and make me laugh all the time! I love how genuinely funny, smart, kind, and resilient they are. I am incredibly proud of them both. 

10. What's the biggest thing you wish more people understood about being a non-monogamous mom? 

That we are incredibly intentional with our time, actions, thoughts, words and love. It's hard work but the rewards expand out into every area of our lives. 

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Thank you again Jen for talking with me! Really appreciate your candor and the time you took answering my questions!

Up next:

Lelia Gowland

of the awesome Substack Is It Just Me? Can’t wait to talk with her and share our conversation with you.