Meet the Non-Monogamous Moms
They have children and multiple partners
When I think about it – and increasingly I have been thinking about it – there’s a particular person in the world of sex positivity who intrigues me. The mom.
Specifically, the non-monogamous mom.
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Ask the average person on the street to play a word association game. Tell them “mom.” First word that comes to their mind? Many things I’m sure, but “selfless” is probably a popular one.
Now tell them to word-associate “non-monogamy.” First word that comes to mind? Many things I’m sure, but I think there is a not-zero percent chance they will say “selfish.”
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The non-monogamous mom puts into conversation these two contradictory concepts, and for months (years?), I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her.
You know when you get obsessed with an idea, then see it everywhere? That’s me, with this. I am all the time obsessing over the words “selfish” and “selfless,” and the root word they have in common, which is of course “self.”
How much self should a mom have? As a mom myself, it’s something I think about often.
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We don’t quite have the defined trope yet for the non-monogamous mom. We, and here I mean the mainstream “we,” don’t quite know whether to judge her or learn from her.
I think she is fascinating.
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There are several threads to my obsession, some cultural and ideological, some practical and real-world.
So this post that you are reading right now is an announcement, that I’ll be exploring these threads in a series of essays.
I know a handful of non-monogamous moms, and have been talking with them partly in preparation for these essays. (Also because I think they are fascinating.) But there are holes in my knowledge, so if you are a non-monogamous mom, or want to suggest one that I should speak with, you can write me here.
In no particular order, here are the topics I plan to explore in this series:
Selflessness vs. selfishness when it comes to the mom, in which we’ll talk about sex, the body, and take a wild Jungian ride down the concept of interiority. TLDR: how much self does the culture want Mom to have?
Research on children and family health from Dr. Eli Sheff, the foremost researcher on polyamory and family units, and possibly others if I can find them. TLDR: does the non-monogamous Mom fuck her children up?
The non-monogamous mindset as a communal mindset, inspired by something the great Esther Perel said when she was talking to my boss, Emily, on a recent episode. TLDR: is the non-monogamous mom a community-builder or community-destroyer?
I’m being provocative and overly binary in those questions because I want you to read them. But there is nuance to all of them! And there may be more stuff I want to talk about!
For example, feminist writers on motherhood. I consider myself a feminist, and I appreciate how
’s Touched Out, for example, makes an astute case for saying “no” to the demands on one’s body. Be it “no” to sexual hookups you don’t actually want, or “no” to pushing your body to the brink for a baby or child. I think that’s healthy.But I also think we have room as a culture to help Mom say “yes.” And this is where the non-monogamous mom might be able to help us out. How did she cloak-and-dagger herself out of the cultural oppression that writers like Amanda correctly point out? How did she reclaim her sexual and bodily agency? Literally, what did she do? Have a big conversation with her partner? Masturbate? Fantasize? What were the pre-conditions for her desires to bubble up, and her to feel permission to commune with them?
That is possible topic #1. Possible topic #2 is the fact that I adore sex positive moms in general, like Cardi B.
Ok….…“sex positive” might be an overly polite way to describe the woman who co-wrote WAP. I’m laughing as I reread that sentence. But roll with me here, because while I’m not sure if Cardi B is non-monogamous, she’s definitely sexual. And I just have undying respect for the woman who adores her daughter like any proud mom would, and writes lyrics like “I wanna gag, I wanna choke, I want you to touch that lil' dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat.”
That may be all there is to say about the matter! The fact that I love her for loving sex, and for being raunchy, AND simultaneously being a mom! I think possible topic #2 just got explored.
Finally, I want the pushback. Not from people whose credibility is questionable, like red pill types. But from good-faith thinkers who take seriously the ideas I’m going to explore, and want to challenge them.
That’s because I’m already, clearly, in the tank for the non-monogamous mom. I think she’s interesting and defiant and can sense my two-dimensional appreciation for her.
But I know that non-monogamy in and of itself can be very activating for people. When we post about it at work for example, the comments section can quickly become awash with rage. Often the comments are reasonable, like: “non-monogamy is right for some, but it’s not right for me.” Much of the time though, the comments are a version of: “this is awful this is destructive this is a way to cheat why get married if you’re just going to have an open marriage how could anyone betray their partner like this how awful for childen ahhhhhh nooooo get it away from MEEEEeee.”
And you know what? Heard. If non-monogamy is that scary to someone, I don’t think they should try it.
However, clearly, some people are trying it. And some of those people are moms, doing it consensually.
No one is saying that the way some people live has to be the way we all people live. So I want to make it clear that I’m not prescribing a lifestyle. But! If you want to respectfully push back on the ideas I put out here, in a spirit of true inquiry, I am so open to it. A long time ago, I was in grad school for English Literature, and every time we debated with each other it forced us to sharpen our ideas. Did Jane Austen have overly materialist aspirations when writing about Lizzy Bennet and Mr. Darcy? Maybe! Was she being pragmatic and clear-eyed about the economic realities for women at the time? It’s possible!
So give me your questions and opinions if you’ve got ‘em. It’ll force me to express myself more clearly as we go on this little ride together.
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For now, I’ll leave you with this: a mini doc on Non-Monogamous Moms that aired last week in Australia.
Pictured below is Abbey of
. She she is one of the moms I’ve gotten to know as I prepare for these posts, and I really appreciate the conversations I’ve had with her so far. I’ll share more from her as we get into it.
I’m excited to explore this with all of you! If you have any initial thoughts, questions, suggestions, guffaws or general curiosities about non-monogamous moms, leave a comment for me below.
Or! If you’d like something more private, you can always write my submission page.
Beautiful!! Who are these non-monogamous moms and where might I find one in this crazy world? ;)
Fascinating topic! I never label(ed) myself and not entirely sure if non monogamous = polyamorous, but as a single mom/woman dating I started to draw parallels and began applying the philosophy/practices that are commonly used; autonomy, open communication, boundaries, etc when dating and in relationship. Allof which should be used regardless but people (subconsciously)resist or lack the skill set due to being conditioned in monogamous mindsets.
What I have found most interesting is that when I was dating to find partnership/a partner to fill the role of a father in my family unit, I was seen as selfless, encouraged and congratulated (literally) in my pursuit.
When I decided to focus on raising my kids and not date to find a serious commitment until my they were out of the home, I was seen as selfish.
The input and projection from the outside world about me not wanting a serious relationship brought a tangible sense of judgement. And envy from a lot of women.
I was personally able to overcome this, but still, it was not lost on me.
I see it with my female clients that I coach when they are getting divorced or dating. The shame and guilt, the desire to want to experience and explore their sexuality, fear and so much more -it starts to take them down and they can’t understand why they don’t feel more excited, free and liberated to enjoy pleasure or date multiple. Thousands of years of messaging is why. They find themselves having affairs and lying instead.
Lastly, there is a selective outrage and bar set for mothers specifically in our culture on what is acceptable vs not. One that I hope through my writing, work and example will get knocked down.
I look forward to reading your series 🪄🪩