Sweet Sweet Kink

That time I fainted

A still from Sweet Sweet Kink: A Collection of BDSM Stories.

The last time I fainted and fell straight to the ground, I was with my boss Emily.

I had just shown her a video on my phone, a documentary short called Sweet Sweet Kink: A Collection of BSDM Stories by my friend Maggie Bailey. 

When it ended, I rose to stand, murmuring “wasn’t that great…?” The sentence had not reached its final consonant when my legs gave out.

I crumpled to the floor of our very nice Venice Beach Bnb, where Emily and I had been working on a project. “Tolly!!” I heard her cry, shocked probably, but also confused, because just moments ago we’d been enjoying our coffee and vegan donuts (everything’s vegan in Venice), watching animated figures lovingly explain why they like to be choked. 

“Ha ha,” went my weak attempt at levity, my head still resting in the fiddle leaf tree it crashed into. “That was weird.”

“ARE YOU OK?” Emily said, calling to me as if from another dimension. I was ok, ultimately, aside from a rather violent low blood sugar attack brought on by the coffee and donuts. My body likes to punish me when I disrespect the glycemic index.

I assured her that truly, I was fine — just needed protein most likely, and my dignity. “You might want to get that checked out,” said her partner, who was also there (nothing like fainting in front of your boss and her boyfriend), concern in his eyes, gravity in his voice.

I didn’t faint again that day, but I did rewatch Sweet Sweet Kink. It’s just so great. 

In the documentary, Maggie splices together three different stories of the kink experience, animated to protect the storytellers’ identities. One of the stories is about (the afore-mentioned) choking, when a young female couple discovers it for the first time and does it to each other on a bus. 

Another story is about impact play, when a woman sees a Dom for whipping, leading to a hugely cathartic emotional release. 

Another is from a hetero couple that does DDLG — daddy Dom little girl play — each of them chuckling and loved up, explaining how their dynamic works. 

Despite the subject matter, all of the stories feel surprisingly wholesome. And that is the fresh-feeling aspect of it all, the sweetness — to borrow the film’s title.

Something you may not know about me: I work in both sexual health and emotional health. I’ve been a hired-gun writer for years, but for the past half-decade, my main clients have largely fallen in these two camps. And I feel lucky about it honestly; my work feels very values-aligned. 

But. It does give me a wild feeling sometimes. 

My Internet searches look like I am studying Brene Brown and PornHub simultaneously, just a girlie wanting to live her most consciousness-raising life while researching all the possible ways people get off. Here’s an example of my day in Google prompts: 

“Is anger a justice emotion”

“Does your butt flex during an anal orgasm”

“What is internal family systems therapy”

“Is squirting thick or thin in consistency”

“What are good emotional regulation strategies”

“What’s the word when someone is getting oral and vaginal penetration at the same time” (spit roasting, in case you’re wondering.)

If I ever corner you at a party, these are the topics we will be discussing.

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I started Submit Here one year ago (🥳), with the goal of making it a place for people to share their truth about sex, not the truth about sex. During that year, I:

• Published 18 essays

• Published 4 Q&A’s

• Adapted one of my essays into an audio podcast (shout-out to my husband who scored it! I fucking love it!)

By far the most fulfilling part of my last year with Submit Here though, has been the conversations I’ve gotten to have with people about their sex lives. And, sex-adjacent lives.

All of the non-monogamous moms, another mom who does exotic dancing, yet another mom who’s into pain play (sensing a theme here), this guy who got cheated on then realized he was polyamorous, and so many other people who submitted to me through my website form. I’m always touched when people trust me with their stories, and work hard to create a non-judgmental space where they can be received. 

Like Sweet Sweet Kink, I think sex stories are wonderful when they reveal something about a person’s humanity. There are just so few spaces for that. You should see me up in the comments section of any NYT story on sex — people get so honest there, real and raw (with flawless grammar), confessing things you simply do not hear often.

A comment left in this NYT article by Amanda Montei about sexless marriages.

My kingdom for a microphone and an hour with the NYT commenters, I so appreciate the frankness of comments like these. It speaks to the mission of Submit Here — a place for people to share their truth about sex, not the truth about sex — because we live in a complex time. After decades and decades of a more or less prescriptive, narrow approach, we’re all trying to figure out how we relate to this area of life.

I love Sweet Sweet Kink for not allowing the shock value of things like CHOKING! or WHIPPING! to eclipse the emotional truths of the people experiencing them. On the one-year anniversary of Submit Here, it feels fitting to praise it publicly, one of the creative kindred spirits of this Substack. Thanks Maggie.

And thanks all of you for being here. More essays, Q&A’s, and podcasts to come in Submit Here’s second year! I’ve even got my next Q&A topic tee’d up after my non-monogamous moms, and I cannot wait to tell you about it. 

Any guesses?