Non-Monogamous Moms: What About the Children?
Abbey's Story
When it comes to non-monogamous moms, there is a lightning rod topic I want to explore. It is:
“Does the non-monogamous mom fuck her children up?”
It’s a provocative thesis.
And yet, I have observed a default response among parents who do not practice, understand, or respect non-monogamy. Let’s call it: concern for the children.
Maybe this concern is heartfelt. Maybe it’s coming from fellow parents who care deeply about the wellbeing of all young people. I think that is a noble stance. May we all think about children, and how we can create a world where they blossom, they feel safe and they feel whole.
But then again…maybe it’s just judgment! Masquerading as concern.
Here’s an example.
For today’s post, I interviewed Abbey Mackay of
, who was recently the subject of an Australian mini-documentary titled Non-Monogamous Mums.
If you read the post comments (which I did), there is a highly liked one that caught my eye:
“And the children of these relationships? What’s best for them?”
There’s a ton of comments like that one actually, but the indignation hooked me. This particular commenter goes off in a wild direction about women’s nature in the thread though, and it gets weird, and suddenly it doesn’t seem to really be about children anymore but more the fact that she thinks non-monogamy is immoral. That’s OK, she’s entitled to her opinion. But the children part feels Trojan Horse-y.
I wanted to hear from the other side, from the non-monogamous parent who’s gotten that kind of question and how it felt/what they said. I went a-Googling and found one:
"The biggest anxiety our situation raises, it seems, is that we’re parents. The overwhelming suspicion seems to be that our child will either be exposed to a dangerous level of eroticism, or somehow miss out on attention, stability and love.”
That’s an article on The Guardian, and by the way, I think these concerns are completely valid. Well-put author. Of course we need to think about children and age-appropriate concepts. Of course we need to think about having a stable and attentive home environment. Yes! So what do the experts, the experts who have studied non-monogamous families and parents, have to say about all that?
“Looking at these kids overall, I would say that they are equally – if not more – emotionally healthy than their peers.”
That’s Dr. Eli Sheff, researcher and author of The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships And Families, quoted in the article. Her book is based on 15 years of research and interviews with polyamorous families, interviewing 206 people inside of them – including 37 children. She goes on:
“The kids from poly families are pros at establishing new relationships. They’ve been growing up marinated in personal growth and honesty, and exposed to a wide range of ideas. They don’t necessarily think they’ll be polyamorous themselves, particularly since most grow up in an environment designed to foster independent thought.”
Maybe the kids are alright.
With that, let’s hear from a different non-monogamous parent. Give it up for Abbey Mackay of
! I really enjoyed talking to her for this, and overall I dig how sex positive Abbey is while being a mom at the same time. Here’s our Q&A and I definitely want to hear from you about it, so leave a comment below and let’s keep talking.1. You and your husband Liam spearhead Evolving Love Project, a media company + experience platform (podcast! Substack! Instagram! Retreats! Conversation circles!) devoted to ethical non-monogamy. I first discovered your Instagram in 2021, and I was struck by the gorgeous, sensual photos of you. But what really grabbed my attention was when you shared that you’re a mom. Were you nervous at all to reveal to the world that you’re both ENM, and a mother?
Over the years we have gradually come out as non-monogamous to friends and family and have fielded many questions about what this means for us. There is always a moment of nerves sharing with loved ones about non-monogamy, but I am grateful to have been met with love and compassion from the people who matter to me and my family. I also have experience with stretching my vulnerability muscle with Evolving Love Project. I know that I will be criticized for being a mother who is non-monogamous, but I am aware that this criticism comes from a lack of understanding and fear. Other people’s judgement is not my burden to carry.
2. I’d love to hear more about yours and Liam’s particular flavor of non-monogamy. You wrote recently on your Instagram that you’re not necessarily looking to become anyone else’s primary partner. That said, have you or Liam ever gotten close enough to a partner to call them a boyfriend or girlfriend?
I have had some partners that I have referred to as a boyfriend and we are open to forming emotional connections with people in ways that feel right for them and for us. Considering that I am already married, already a mum, and I am very invested in my family unit- dating and having a boyfriend looks different for me than it would a monogamous person. For me, it is about enjoying the moments that we do share together, without jumping on the relationship escalator. I am not looking to start a second family. This is not to say that love and connection cannot exist, I believe those feelings to be infinite. But it is the reality that my time and emotional bandwidth are a finite resource.
3. It seems like you have great relationships with everyone you’ve dated, while being married to Liam. So I’m curious, how do your romantic connections typically end? What I mean by that is, how do you and a connection know it’s time to transition into friendship?
We are friends with most of our connections to one degree or another. Like any relationship that ends sometimes it is difficult to remain friends due to circumstance. Relationships tend to end for me due to geographical distance or their desire to focus on another relationship that they wish to anchor with. A relationship with me might not be compatible with their new relationship. It is incredibly rare that a relationship ends on ‘bad terms’.
4. Rewinding to earlier in your relationship, what was the very first conversation you and Liam had about non-monogamy? Who broached the subject first?
We cannot remember who broached the subject first. It was something we both felt mutually excited about. We have always fostered a relationship where we can talk about anything and so the topic of non-monogamy was something very exciting for us to explore. When we first opened up, we didn’t know what compersion was, but it was something that we both felt strongly even though we didn’t have the language to fully articulate what the feelings were. We also opened up by only having shared experiences together, so it really was an adventure that we were embarking on, together.
5. I’d love to talk about jealousy. One of the gifts of the poly mindset, I’ve observed, is a fresh approach to jealousy than maybe what mono people (or most people) are used to. So this question is twofold: first, do you experience jealousy, and second, how do you manage it if so?
When I do experience jealousy, it usually comes up for me less for sexual reasons and more for emotional reasons. I try and be aware of it when it arises and communicate it with Liam when I am having jealous feelings. My self-awareness as to what my jealousy is telling me is something that has grown over time. When it comes up for me, I try to sit in it, to process it, and talk about it. Jealousy is a normal human emotion and I am not trying to become ‘jealousy free’.
6. Do you think some people are naturally compersive? Or is compersion a learned feeling?
I think that compersion can come more easily for some people more than others. Compersion comes more easily for my husband than it does for me. My compersion comes about in more specific scenarios or relationship styles. My husband’s compersion is broader.
7. Let’s talk about your recent documentary! You were the subject of a mini doc on non-monogamous moms, and that opened your/Liam’s lifestyle to folks far beyond your typical ENM community. I saw one comment on the post that really struck me, from a mono mom, and it went something like this: “how selfish, how could you ever do that to your kids.” I’d love to unpack that thinking a bit. Why do you think some people judge mothers so harshly for engaging in consensual non-monogamy? Why does it come across to some people as harm to a child?
Often morality and monogamy are welded together in society and this forms the basis for a lot of the objections and stigma. Many people still believe that non-monogamy is unethical or ‘sinful’ and that unethical people probably shouldn’t be having children. People might worry that a mother is less involved or connected to her child and that more adults around the children can put them in danger. The reality is that people can be neglectful parents in any type of relationship structure, monogamous included. People might also imagine that non-monogamous relationships are drama filled and could bring a lot of conflict into the home. I can’t help what other people think but I do know that we have a very happy, secure family life and marriage. We just happen to be non-monogamous. My husband and I are happy people - in a happy marriage, this helps to create a happy home life for our child. I think that people can criticize and be fearful of what they don’t understand.
8. One of the things that fascinates me about non-monogamous moms is how self-attuned they are. They seem to have shed the guilt culture loves to heap on mothers for…anything, and replaced it with: “I enjoy connecting with people in this way, and I’m not going to feel guilty about it.” Did you always feel that way, as a mother? Or did it take you some time to get there?
I have never felt guilty for being nm and a mother and that is due to the relationship I am in. My husband is very compersive and has always supported me for taking time to myself, whether that be going for a walk, having lunch with a friend, or spending some time connecting with a lover. I don’t go away for long periods of time from my family, but an evening dinner or a lunchtime date is a positive possibility for us. I know many dads in monogamous relationships who will spend an entire Saturday playing golf and nobody blinks an eyelid. I think that people can also have an aversion at the thought of a woman having sex with anyone who isn’t the biological parent of her children, whether she be a single mum or non-monogamous.
9. I’m not sure how it is in Australia, but in the US, there’s a lot of messaging that the BEST moms are the ones who live for their kids. And that’s OK by me, if the mother genuinely desires that. But it also seems potentially damaging, and I love that non-monogamous moms don’t necessarily buy into this. You to me are a great example of someone who adores her child and spends lots of time with them, while also spending time with people and activities you enjoy. So outside of non-monogamy and raising your child, what are some of your other passions? (I’ve seen your drawings and WOW)
Some of my hobbies include writing for my Substack, drawing and painting, being in nature, time with family and friends, reading and going for long walks. I have many interests and hobbies, I just choose to share online about the non-monogamy specifically to help normalise it and to share a different perspective on love and relationships.
I feel proud to be a non-monogamous mum. As time goes by, and in an age-appropriate way, we will share our relationship perspectives with our son. I think that it is positive to show him that love doesn’t mean ownership over a partner’s sexual expression and that relationships can grow, change and deepen over time. Being the mother of a son, I think that it is important that he can understand and respect that I have my own internal world. It is a positive for him to learn that I have my own internal world AND that I love him completely and that I am a secure source of love and attachment for him.
10. Last question! What’s the biggest misconception you think people have about non-monogamous moms, and how would you correct it?
From comments that I read online, I think people believe that non-monogamous mothers are selfish, constantly need validation and that they are not prioritizing their children. This could be due to parents feeling exhausted and run-down and barely having enough time for themselves and their spouse so they cannot comprehend making time for anybody else outside the family unit? I also think that people genuinely believe that non-monogamy doesn’t work (at all), and that if people ARE non-monogamous it is because something is inherently wrong with the relationship.
This is why I decided to come out as non-monogamous, to correct these misconceptions. To show people that non-monogamy can be about creating a relationship that is designed for the people that are within the relationship. By raising awareness about these issues, I hope to destigmatize wider views around non-monogamy.
Thank you so much for your time, your thoughtful responses and your eloquence, Abbey!
Let’s keep the conversation going in comments, everyone. I’d love to hear your thoughts, and next week, stay tuned for the incredibly funny
, author of More: A Memoir of an Open Marriage.
Such wonderful questions and thoughtful responses. When I read the part about people assuming a non-mono mum would be less involved with her children, and distracted by relationship drama and conflict, I audibly whispered "yeeeessssss" haha :) Also, I wholeheartedly agree that many people think mothers should only be intimate with the biological father of their children- and we see this play out towards single monogamous mums, as well as non-monogamous ones.