Responses to Non-Monogamous Moms

You want to talk about them (so do I)

Me, 2014, about to become a mom. Photo credit: Whitney Aimee Martin

So, real talk. 

One of my missions in starting Submit Here was to take a topic in the sex world, and talk about it with a bunch of thoughtful people. People like you. 

The longer I work in sex education, and the more time I spend in sex storytelling, the more opportunities I get to learn from people who have experienced the full spectrum of sex.

I learn about the healing sex has to offer…and, the pain that can arise, when sex isn’t fully consensual or conscientious. 

I say that because I’m about to show you (with permission) some of the responses I received to my non-monogamous moms post – which has gotten more reactions than any of my posts, ever. 

In addition to comments, folks wrote to my submission form, they DM’d me, they texted me, they talked to me in my kitchen. I think this has less to do with the quality of the writing or anything special I did, and more that the non-monogamous mom is ripe for discussion. She is symbolic of larger themes in our culture right now. Or, maybe it’s just becoming a more common lifestyle. 

But before we get into the responses, I feel compelled to frame this topic with a sense of balance. Not all of the responses were success stories, and I feel that’s really important! Sometimes, sex positive people like me can have blind spots, and (also speaking for me personally), the enthusiastic rah-rah of all things sexual liberation can sideline others’ private pain. 

For example, I wrote a post recently about polyamory, and while the response was largely positive, someone I care about privately shared that it was hurtful to hear me minimize the experience of one man’s trust being repeatedly broken. They were right! I hadn’t taken enough time to consider that aspect, especially since I’m a person who (ironically) believes that the best sex, and the best relationships, blossom in a container of trust and emotional safety.  

So, though I don’t do it often, I edited the post. 

This entire thing is an exercise in personal values, and my conversation with that person helped clarify mine. 

Along those lines, I’m aiming for Submit Here to be super conversational because I genuinely believe we’re in a moment where we are being asked to rely a bit less on institutions to guide us. And, a bit more on our communication skills, our personal growth and maturity, and the quality of our relationships to light the way. Who is asking us? I am not sure. But I feel it. (Don’t you?)

This particular community at Submit Here is small but growing, and maybe we can all help each other. So with that, here are a handful of interesting responses I got to “Meet the Non-Monogamous Moms.” And hey, this is an essay series, so if you’re a non-monogamous mom or know a good one to talk to, you can write my submission form or leave a comment.

I’ll start with a post comment first:     

Fascinating topic! I never label(ed) myself and not entirely sure if non monogamous = polyamorous, but as a single mom/woman dating I started to draw parallels and began applying the philosophy/practices that are commonly used; autonomy, open communication, boundaries, etc when dating and in relationship. All of which should be used regardless but people (subconsciously) resist or lack the skill set due to being conditioned in monogamous mindsets.

What I have found most interesting is that when I was dating to find partnership/a partner to fill the role of a father in my family unit, I was seen as selfless, encouraged and congratulated (literally) in my pursuit.

When I decided to focus on raising my kids and not date to find a serious commitment until my they were out of the home, I was seen as selfish.

The input and projection from the outside world about me not wanting a serious relationship brought a tangible sense of judgment. And envy from a lot of women.

I was personally able to overcome this, but still, it was not lost on me.

I see it with my female clients that I coach when they are getting divorced or dating. The shame and guilt, the desire to want to experience and explore their sexuality, fear and so much more -it starts to take them down and they can’t understand why they don’t feel more excited, free and liberated to enjoy pleasure or date multiple. Thousands of years of messaging is why. They find themselves having affairs and lying instead.

Lastly, there is a selective outrage and bar set for mothers specifically in our culture on what is acceptable vs not. One that I hope through my writing, work and example will get knocked down.

I look forward to reading your series.

This comment comes from

Ashley Kelsch

, who writes the very popular Substack

Wait, What?

This line in particular captured something so real:

(Currently wilding out on Canva)

Her next line drives it home: “The input and projection from the outside world about me not wanting a serious relationship brought a tangible sense of judgment. And envy from a lot of women.”

How much of a person’s concern for a child’s wellbeing is genuine and heartfelt, versus a performance of concern, which masks judgment, which masks envy?

I couldn’t stop thinking about Ashley’s comment (which you can read here). It reminded me of all the times I do things for myself, like aerial or skincare or sit down to write this Substack, and feel a pang of guilt that I didn’t spend that time actively caretaking my child or earning money for my family. I do self-focused things a lot, and OK, maybe I need to pull back at times and restore balance. But, how much of that guilt comes from an invisible cultural mandate that says the best thing a mother can do for her child (and the world?) is provide? That nourishing oneself is indulgent? That dating simply because it’s fun and sexual might be morally bad, somehow, if you are a mom?

(Sidenote: some of these thoughts were brewing when I was pregnant. Which is why my maternity shoot, where the header photo comes from, was – OK – sexy. I was excited to become a mom, but I didn’t want to lose myself in mom-ness, you know what I mean?) 

Back to guilt and the self. When I actually reflect on my relationship with my child, it’s great. I don’t know anything about Ashley’s relationships with her children, but I hear her care for them (“I decided to focus on raising my kids”) as she simultaneously dates for dating’s sake. That makes logical sense to me, that sounds like a loving mother. Why was she judged? 

I could go on and on about Ashley’s comment – her clients’ shame, the bar set for mothers, etc. – but I’ll stop there. Here’s another DM I got, from a guy friend of mine:

FYI this was great; I can’t wait for more. Secondly, the part where you ask rhetorically “did she ask her partner?” made me think of two women I know (who I won’t disclose). They both: were married and had a kid with their respective husbands; asked their husbands to open up their relationships, to which their husbands reluctantly agreed; and eventually their marriages ended in divorce. 

Now, to my knowledge one is still and now a *single* non-monogamous mom, and the other was as well for some time before recently finding a partner. So, that intersection of “family unit” and “community builder / destroyer” is informed by and complicated by the occurrence of sexual agency / awakening ending marriages and the myriad conflicting narratives that can arise from those situations.

I wanted to share this response too, because I did in fact pose the question in my post: “is the non-monogamous mom a community-builder or community-destroyer?”

I’m obviously flattening some complexity there, on purpose. But I thought this person said something really insightful: 

It’s the conflicting narratives part for me, the idea that there’s never really one capital-T truth. Two family units changed as a result of these moms’ requests. But are those quote-unquote broken families? Or, families who have evolved into different shapes? Who knows, maybe there are more loving adults in the children’s lives now? 

I am not trying to be willfully naive or devil’s advocate-y, by the way. I am trying to resist the magnetic pull of judgment though, which I am sure those two mothers faced. 

The other zinger in that comment is the part about sexual awakening. Thought experiment: could we have even happier families and communities if we made it more OK for people to experience (explicitly consensual) sex and interpersonal connection on terms that truly work for them? 

How many people get married not really thinking that part through, that they might want more pleasure or connection someday, and then a) feel ashamed to have those feelings b) cheat to satisfy it? I have to think there’s a better way. 

Alright, let’s wrap with some positive / success-story-type responses. This one also comes from my DM’s:

"I'm in a monogamous marriage, but my parents were non-monogamous and I've been in non-monogamous relationships in case you ever want to get the perspective of an adult who grew up in the culture. I'd need a pseudonym, but just throwing it out there if you ever decide to go down that rabbit hole."

I told this person YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES. I would love this perspective, of an adult child who grew up in it. We’ll all hear from them at some point. 

Next, from my submission form: 

Hi Tolly, i'm a non-monogamous mum and I read your article after seeing Abbey, from Evolving Love Project, share the link. 

I have been with my husband for 22 years (we got together as high schoolers). We were monogamish from the very beginning, as it gave me the opportunity to explore my bisexuality. We both discovered we are kinky and had a love of group sex. It wasn't until after we had two children, and a period of incidental monogamy, that we decided to evolve our dynamic to a polyamorous relationship structure. This shift occurred around our 20 year anniversary, when our children were still young- but old enough to be cared for occasionally by babysitters. I now have a boyfriend (of 2 years) and my husband has a girlfriend (of 1 year). We also both date casually and enjoy going to sexy events. We are friends with our partners other partners and have developed a lovely polyamorous community of friends, lovers and metamours. Many of us have children, so there are plenty of wholesome family friendly events and activities too. We are completely 'out' as polyamorous to our friends, family, colleagues, and wider social networks now. I still value some discretion around our sexual practices, but overall I am very happy to chat with anyone who has a good-faith interest in my non-monogamy.

I got a lot of responses like this! And I really wanted to include it, to highlight the fact that non-monogamous moms can have both a kinky, sexual side and a wholesome, family-oriented side, which I think might break some brains. Maybe not your own brain, but someone’s brain floating out there for sure.

Incidentally, if you want a front-row seat to the life of a non-monogamous mom, pre-order More: A Memoir of An Open Marriage by Molly Roden Winter. It comes out January 16, and I’m proud to say that Molly and I are now buds. 

I got to read an advance copy of More for work, and lapped it up in a matter of days. If memory serves, I: finished the book, set it down, opened Instagram, and slid into Molly’s DM’s to…gush. 

Like the mom in my submission form, Molly and her husband have kids, and their open marriage also looks like having additional partners. For some people an open marriage connotes casual sex, which is cool, but for other people it’s more like having a boyfriend or a girlfriend in addition to the marriage itself. I will be interviewing Molly here in the near future, and I can’t recommend More enough. 

I think it’s time to wrap, only because there is not enough time in your day or mine to pour through all the responses in one post. There were so many good ones! A single mom who was highly non-monogamous to the point of declaring she’d never fall in love (until she did), a non-monogamous mom who views her relationships through a larger lens of social liberation, a non-monogamous mom separated from her husband but they still live together with their kids and get along great…all these people are fascinating. I could write a book about them. 

Next post!:

See you there.