Raised By Non-Monogamous Parents
Erica's Story
By now, it is abundantly clear that I have a preoccupation with non-monogamous moms.
I think moms are interesting in general, because I am one. So I relate. Relate to what? To every mom’s internal wrestle. We are all the time asking ourselves, is this something a good mom would do?
And by “this,” I mean any action that falls outside the scope of direct caretaking.
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I enjoy being a mom. Moments ago, I completed a birthday invitation for my child on Canva. That’s a flex only fellow moms get. You have a fast car, I have a text thread hearting my cute PNG graphic. This is something a good mom would do.
Before that (months before that), I briefly considered joining OnlyFans and posting photos without my face. I haven’t, I won’t, I was just scared about money, but I did consider my angle, and thought maybe my “thing” could be vajazzle art, because the existing designs aren’t that great and maybe I could get creative and really corner the market there. You wouldn’t see my visage but depending on your subscription tier, you could get a thrilling photo cornucopia of my mons pubis covered in sticker rhinetones. At the lowest level you’d get something generic, like a heart; at the highest level, I’d spell out your name.
Is this something a good mom would do?
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Moms are conditioned from early on to create a mental scale, and on one side, we place respectable things we do for other people. On the other side, we put everything else. Freaky stuff, maybe art stuff, selfish stuff. We can take genuine pleasure in both sides, but, we always make sure the respectable, giving side is at least a bit heavier.
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I have stated a thesis that non-monogamous moms marry two cultural tropes: the selflessness we associate with mothers, and the selfishness we associate with non-monogamy. I will always find this combo interesting, because, where else do we find that concentration of opposites? Who else scrambles our brain this much?
Note of clarification. By “we,” I do not mean the literal we: you, me, the community that reads this Substack. The everyperson in our culture – that is the “we” I mean.
I imagine this everyperson as someone who accepts most cultural scripts without questioning them. That’s fine, I accept a lot of them too. Cultural script: freedom is good. It’s hard for me to argue with that one. Unless I am confronted with the particulars of someone else’s freedom. Such as: the freedom to own assault weapons not because you are in a combat zone, but, just because you want to. Now I question the script. Now I have to get more specific about freedom. Do I think that kind of freedom is good? I don’t actually.
Non-monogamous moms have questioned the script. We (everyperson we) ask Mom to suppress many of her wants after bearing a child. But that doesn’t mean the wants cease to exist. It just means there’s a script, and someone took a Sharpie to certain parts, and handed it back to her saying, “there now. That’s better.”
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There’s another side to all this non-monogamous mom stuff, and that is her children.
When I put out the call to interview non-monogamous moms, I heard from a friend of mine – Erica – who was raised by one. “Yes,” I said to her, “a thousand times yes,” when she said we could talk.
Per her request, I’ve changed her name to protect her privacy. But I’m grateful Erica was willing to share what all this felt like as a kid, the effects on her parents’ partnership (not all positive), and how she decided to do relationships once she became an adult.
A bit of background:
Erica was raised in a small town in the Pacific Northwest, as you’ll find out below, in the ‘80s and ‘90s. There were other kids in her community also being raised by non-monogamous parents. “Some of us were totally fine with it, but not all of them were,” she said. One boy in particular bristled, saying things like, “our parents are out on dates and I’m at home, bored.”
I really wanted to hear more about that.
I also asked Erica about dating men in open marriages once she got older, as she did following her first divorce. For her, this was preferable. She got to go out on dates and see people regularly, while still having energy left to build her career. This may not have been possible if she was also building a relationship with a primary partner. When her career was more established, she began seeing a man who would eventually become her husband. “We talked about having it be an open relationship at first,” she said. But as things became more serious, they also became more monogamous. (Fun fact, small world: we live in separate states, but I went to high school with the man she married.)
Erica to me represents the rare kind of person that sex positive people like me are always saying they want more of, yet don’t always shine the spotlight on. People who really have tried the various relationship possibilities out there, and in the end, settled on monogamy. “Conscious monogamy,” it’s sometimes called. I’m thankful to Erica for embodying that. Also, I asked how she would react if her husband came to her one day wanting to open up.
“I definitely wouldn’t be opposed to it,” she said. “I might have to sit with it for a bit, but I’m not a jealous person. It doesn’t do anyone any good…I don’t want to think of anyone as a nemesis or an adversary. Because maybe the people he dates would be really cool people. People I get to be friends with too.”
What does she credit that sense of security to?
“For me, it all goes back to friendship and trust, and as long as that’s there, I feel solid,” Erica told me. “Ideally, everyone wants their partner to be happy. If he shared that this would make him happy, I think I would overall be more open to it than opposed.”
So let’s talk to Erica. Below, our Q&A.
1. Hi Erica! You grew up with non-monogamous parents: your mom and dad, who dated other people while they were married. Before we get into that, can you describe your mom and dad for us? What they were like back then, how did they get along, what jobs or interests did they have? (I know your dad was in a band!)
My mom was the sweetest person, everyone that ever met her has said so. She was a baker and was specifically trained as a pastry chef. Outside of work, my mom loved to read, and enjoyed going to the theater or ballet. She also loved fishing and hiking.
My dad worked as an electrical engineer while getting his career as an artist off the ground. He works with fine metals and has also been in bands and worked as an outdoor guide. He’s charismatic and fun to be around.
My parents knew of one another because their parents worked together, but really only met after my dad offered my mom a ride home while she was walking back from her guitar lesson. This would have been around 1980.
They married in the late ‘80s and divorced in the early ‘90s. I don’t remember them being married, but I do remember them being friendly to one another, although my mom was much kinder.
2. Did you figure out their non-monogamy on your own, or did they tell you? Also, do you remember how old were you when you found out?
I remember being about 4 years old when I realized my family was “different”. I was at a house party my mom threw, and distinctly remember wanting my new stepmother to meet my mom, and her partner who lived with us. I also wanted my stepmother to meet another one of my mom’s boyfriends, and, his wife.
I don’t think I understood the entire big picture until I was about 10 or 11. I then asked my mom about it, and she explained it in a simple, age-appropriate way: she loved more than one person, and she loved them in a romantic sense.
3. Your mom seemed pretty ahead of her time, communicating with you like that about her partners, and her ability to romantically love more than one person. Your dad was more on the down low about it all, and didn't seem as comfortable talking about it with you -- or anyone else. Do I have that right? If so, what do you chalk that up to? Your mom's comfort being openly non-monogamous, vs. your dad's preference for privacy?
I think my dad didn’t want people to gossip about him, since he was trying to get his business off the ground.
He also didn’t like to talk about my sister and I to people outside of our family. I think he was paranoid about stranger danger, and that may have played into it.
4. You shared with me that there were other kids in your PNW community with non-monogamous parents. I have to say I was pretty amazed to hear that. What do you attribute that to? Like what was the deal in ‘90s small-town PNW that made that possible for the adults in your life? Asking because it's still pretty stigmatized now, so I'm trying to wrap my head around how it would have been more acceptable back then.
My hometown has a lot of people from other places — especially Vietnam veterans — that didn’t feel accepted in their own communities. So, I think that may have played into it. There were actually a lot of hippies, artists, peace and free-thinker types.
5. Speaking of the other kids, you told me about one boy in particular who was not into his parents being non-monogamous. Can you share a bit about him?
I think he found it embarrassing to know his parents weren’t like everyone else. I haven’t spoken to him in a long time, but I think his parents didn’t communicate with him the same way my folks did.
6. I was charmed to hear about the other adults in your life – your parents' additional partners – being babysitters. Sometimes, you were the babysitter for younger kids, while your parents and theirs' went out. I'm biased so I see this as an example of beautiful community care, but did it feel that way?
I think so! “It takes a village” is the saying, and that really seemed to be our way of life. Someone’s mom would make dinner for the kids, or I’d order takeout, and we’d watch movies on VHS.
7. You also told me that the reason for your parents' divorce was because your mom wanted to move her boyfriend in. Can you talk about that?
My dad told me that my mom asking for her boyfriend to move in was the breaking point in their relationship.
I didn’t know that until after my mom had passed on, so I never got to talk to her about it. But, it tracks with my dad wanting to have a sense of privacy/clear family boundaries.
8. One of the things that I really appreciated in talking to you Erica is that you're in a monogamous partnership now, but while you were dating, you went out with people in open marriages. How did that feel, to try on that version of non-monogamy?
I liked it because I wasn’t settled in my own relationship, and it allowed for different experiences and realizations of “I like this and don’t like that”. After my first divorce especially, I looked at dating as relationship practice while I threw myself into my work and career. So, being a secondary partner to someone, rather than their primary, also fit with my lifestyle at the time.
9. After being exposed to non-monogamy as a kid, then enacting a version of it yourself as an adult, you settled on monogamy. I love that because monogamy wasn't compulsory for you. In fact, it seems like you really got first-hand experience with different relationship models, and ultimately decided that monogamy was for you. Why do you think it's a good fit?
I think because my childhood was chaotic in a lot of ways (moving to different states, alternative lifestyle parents, etc.), I was ready for predictability in my life and being in a monogamous relationship has really provided that stability. I’m also extremely terrified of STDs, so not having to worry about that is nice.
10. If your partner came to you and expressed they wanted to try opening up, how do you think you'd respond?
I like to think that I would hear him out, and be open to the idea. I was taught that feelings of jealousy or envy are an opportunity to look inward. So if I felt those things, I’d hope to be able to talk through it with my partner since, ultimately, I want them to be happy and to experience growth with them.
Thanks so much for talking to me, Erica! I really appreciate your openness, and for the opportunity to hear your life experience in this area.
Coming soon to Submit Here:
A Q&A with non-monogamous mom Lelia Gowland, who describes her family as a family of five: four adults, one child
A Q&A with Brian Gibney, a professional partner surrogate living in the South. If you don’t know what partner surrogacy is, read my upcoming chat with Brian! I find this topic fascinating and plan to do a deep dive.
As always, if you have a sex story or topic you’d like me to consider for this Substack, my submission form is open. Leave a comment below and let’s chat!
Fascinating read! An unexpected twist to hear from someone who was raised in poly culture and opted for another relationship style as an adult. Extra points for throwing in Tracy Chapman lyrics. Gimme one reason not to love that concept!