I Don't Know If I'm a Good Person

Sex and values

TW: mentions of rape and sexual assault. 

Art by Luciana Urtiga

I’ve got a few stories for you, one in particular about a mom who’s into pain play. But before we get there, I have to tell you something.

This has been on my mind for a while. But let me take you to the precise moment, where I thought to tell you about it. 

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We were sitting on a bar’s outdoor deck, this pain play mom and I, east Austin gearing up for nightlife. She looked fabulous: swimsuit as bodysuit, 70s slacks, faux snakeskin platforms at a time I swore animal prints were out. On her though, they looked fresh.

I’ll be honest, she said. I don’t know if I’m a good person.

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I’ve been thinking about it for weeks.

She had other, witty gems I had to stop and write down, but damn. That one still echoes.

Because what makes a good person is subjective, isn’t it?

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Months ago, I did this exercise with my therapist, where I created a top ten values list. I’ve talked about it here and there, including my Instagram, and to various friends I’ve cornered in the kitchen. Maybe you were there. Or maybe you’ve done this kind of thing before, which both sounds so obvious, and at the same time rare, because I think we all kind of assume we know what “good values” are.

Then again, maybe we don’t.

Let’s take honesty. I’m going to guess that at some point in your life, you really valued honesty.

But when I wrote that value down, I had to think about what honesty looks like on me. How I personally translate it. And to me, honesty looks like authenticity, which feels very vulnerable. 

Because I am awesome at people-pleasing. Given enough motivation, I can be whoever you want. And you know where that’s gotten me, in life? Confusion. It’s hard to know who your people are, if your #1 goal is getting everyone to like you. 

So honesty, for me, is more than: yes I did that, no I didn’t do that, yes I acted like a Karen that one time at the airport, no I didn’t remember your birthday. 

It’s looking back at my own life, and recognizing patterns that reveal what I value. I authentically am the person who’s a little vain, who bites off more than she can chew, but deeply invested in her relationships, in sex stuff, in creativity, and yes, in parenting.

(I think moms are routed to a place where they present as MOMS FIRST, and sure, if that’s authentic for you, great. But I have to work a little harder to integrate the mom side with the creative/woman/friend sides. And that’s ok, for me, because I am being honest.)

Since becoming aware of my people-pleasing, it’s gotten easier to find my folks.

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I don’t know if I’m a good person, she said.

The other reason it’s affecting me, is because I’m watching Shiny Happy People, a documentary about the Duggars. For the past 20 years, I’d only been vaguely aware of this family, which is unsettling, because for so long they didn’t set off any alarm bells. 

The Duggers follow the Institute of Basic Life Principles, or IBLP for short, which as far as I can tell was made up by one singular man: Bill Gothard. It’s been around since the ‘60s, and it’s a Christian fundamentalist cult, but unique in that it’s more of a cult franchise. Its explicitly patriarchal teachings play out in homes, turning dads into de facto cult leaders. It likes to advertise its family values.

If I shared some of the wilder aspects of Bill’s teachings, like that Cabbage Patch Kids are possessed by Satan, we’d both laugh and be like — that guy’s NUTS. But other aspects of his teachings lurk all around, so pervasive you don’t realize they’re some guy’s opinions, not objective reality. 

Take sexuality. From what I gather, sexual desire is sinful for everyone according to IBLP. But if anyone’s going to feel lustful, it’s men. 

Women don’t…feel lust. 

They can provoke lust! They can wear “eye traps,” like see-through lace sleeves.

These illustrations look exactly like sewing patterns my mom used to buy, making me wonder if some poor soul Xeroxed a Simplicty catalog. 

But they don’t exert lust in any way. Women are not agents of lust, they don’t possess lust, they don’t look at a man’s body or a woman’s body for that matter, and think to themselves: damn. I’d like to touch that. 

You can probably sense why this is damaging. Put in a position of being fundamentally tempting, women are frequent victims of sexual assault. Raped all the time in this world, often by family members. Since there’s not really a concept of abuse in IBLP, and definitely not the value of bodily autonomy (your body belongs to God), it seems to be accepted that rape and incest is just what happens sometimes. Oops. 

It’s a couple clicks away from Handmaid’s Tale and Gilead, and the fact that it probably happens in my state haunts me. 

But on the less extreme end, these beliefs not only have the power to fuck you up, they can seep easily into your decision making — even if you do not share these values. This is what I mean about Bill’s teachings lurking all around. Or maybe they amplify other, pre-existing beliefs about women. Who’s to say.

Here’s an example from my life. 

There’s a video I want to post on Instagram this week, of me feeling myself on the sling. I’m wearing a sports bra and joggers, and ok, the vibe is sexy. Eye trap city. But you know what’s stopping me?

My damn ex-neighbor, who got on my case for being upset about the overturn of Roe last year. In his eyes, having the option of abortion is only to justify female sexual autonomy. That conversation made me so mad, and made me want to scream: female sexual autonomy isn’t flippant! Why do you dismiss it like it’s this silly, unimportant thing? 

And yet, the subtext of slut-shaming is making me feel all self-conscious, over a year later, about this video. (But also: fuck it. I’m posting it Friday.)  

I share this because unless you name your values, and let them guide your behaviors for a substantial period of time, you’ll default back to the culture’s dominant belief systems. Even me, someone who started a Substack on the premise that sex isn’t shameful. It just took a few DM’s for me to start feeling that old, programmed shame, from old, programmed values I didn’t choose, and here we are, you patiently listening while I process it.

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I don’t know if I’m a good person.

Ok. It got dark back there. Let me refresh your palate. How about some kink?

When she said that line, we were in the midst of discussing a Dom, who — during one of their encounters — slapped her across the face. (She loved it.)

A split-screen flashed up in my mind. On one side, I saw the way I would have viewed this scene not long ago, as concerning, potentially frightening.

On the other side, I viewed it the way she intended, in that it was a goddamn relief to be with someone who knew how to quiet her mind.

I got this huge grin on my face afterwards, she said.

Going back to one’s personal values, you really have to be crystal clear on yours if you’re going to be sex positive or kinky in any way. People are going to judge you. But that’s why values create a helpful force field, because you know why you do the things you do. The most important thing is that you chose them, and maybe as an addendum, that they don’t cause harm to others. That you were fully conscious in articulating your values, and if you’re anything like me, old beliefs around sex are going to work their way to the surface for removal in the process. Painful splinters you can finally pull out clean.

I can be chaotic, she said. But I was ready to stop micro-dosing intimacy.

I don’t know what her values are. Maybe they include trust and consent and communication. Pillars of responsible kink. You can go really far with someone you trust, and this is why kink can have a healing or playful or even wholesome quality, even if it looks real out-there to the outside observer.

But I understood what she meant, that being with her Dom felt super intimate.

I understood that the appeal wasn’t a history of abuse or low self-esteem or…any of the other ready explanations that spring to mind.

It was that she trusted this person.

And she was getting something valuable from this.

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I don’t know if I’m a good person. Do you?

All I can do, all any of us can do, is figure out our values, and find the people who mesh with them best.